Dying
by SawManiac211
Summary: I uploaded the wrong story...sorry! But thanks to laraandcurtisfan97 it's been changed. This story is now dedicated to you for tellingme--LOL. Chandler's hiding something from Monica, but will he tell her? Please R&R!


**Just to let you know, YOU NEED TO WATCH THE PROPOSAL ON YOUTUBE!!! PLEASE IT IS SOOO SWEET! I started crying…you can't get the emotion in this…**

_**Oh my God…Chandler…in all my life…I never thought I would be so lucky. As to…fall in love with my best…my best…**__THERE'S A REASON WHY GIRLS DON'T DO THIS!_

**Okay okay okay! Oh God…I thought…wait a minute I-I can do this…I thought…that it mattered…what I said…or where I said it. Then I realised…the only thing that matters is that you…you make me happier…than I ever thought I could be. And if you'll let me…I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica…will you marry me?**

…_Yes…_.I KNEW YOU WERE LIKELY TO TAKE A WIFE!

**CAN WE COME IN YET WE'RE DYING OUT HERE!**

Monica's POV

Joey's words…

I laugh so hard when I remember them.

When I remember all those times…

It's so hard…

He cared once.

He was the first one I saw at high school. Well, the one that tried to skate on a lunch tray down the stairwell and got a broken arm as well as a detention.

But he was my first friend.

Even when I made other girl friends, he was the one I trusted with my secrets.

His grin.

His way of always having a witty comeback to everything.

His really messy hair-the one thing I couldn't like; I just _hate_ mess. Well. I say that. But that one part of me wanted to run my hands through it…

So we went to college. He asked out several girls, but all of them said no. I couldn't see why-he was a laugh to be around and yet was able to keep your darkest secret; he could be really sarcastic but be so caring when you're down…

They said he didn't have much looks-wise and was a bit of a jerk, but when he smiled…

Just turned up the corners of his lips…

We moved into the same block of flats, joked around with Phoebe and Rachel and Joey and Ross…and yet it seemed that whenever he made a witty comment or sarcastic remark, his eyes would flicker in my direction, as though he was doing it for me…only for me…

He went out with some girls.

He left all of them.

And then in London he turned to me…

We swore we'd forget about it, to go back to normal.

But we wouldn't. Couldn't.

And that was when fate pieced itself together and joined us as one.

Joined us as surely as our marriage vows.

One life.

One spirit.

But the spirit is dying, withering like an unwatered plant.

But the plant shouldn't be dying.

This shouldn't be dying.

The love had seemed so sure, so full of life, so overpowering that every touch was an electric shock, every kiss was a knife to my chest.

We were so deep in it that the darkness was overpowering, and the pressure pushed us together and held us there and we couldn't care less, just to listen to each other's heartbeats in the darkness…

His love for me shouldn't be dead.

But it has.

The silence is overpowering.

The lack of care; of affection; of love; is weakening.

The heartbreak is killing me.

His gaze is poisonous.

When I reach out to touch him he walks away.

When I try to hold him close in bed he turns away, leaving a cold, hard space between us.

So sudden, the death of love.

Like someone had cut the stem with shears.

Was it me?

Was it him?

I love him…

I love him…

Every part of me screams 'CHANDLER YOU IDIOT I STILL LOVE YOU!'

WHY?

Why?

Why…

Chandler's POV

Damn, this is too hard.

I really can't keep this up.

I can't keep pretending to hate Monica.

I can't.

I can't.

I love her.

The very first time I saw her, when I was lying in pain at the bottom of that staircase and thinking _Damn, I'm in SOOOO much trouble…_ her face floated through the haze-looking oddly at me, admittedly-and I just…

Just started falling.

All through high school I was falling.

Through college I was falling.

Each time I saw her I plummeted slightly faster.

Where I was falling I didn't know.

Well, I knew.

I guess.

Somewhere.

I mean, why would I do so much spazzy stuff just to make her laugh…?

Well…I knew for sure in London…

I loved Monica.

Love Monica.

And I couldn't forget that night, no matter how much I tried. I pushed and pushed at the memory of her body so close to mine, but it wouldn't budge.

So I gave in. And fell even further.

I married her.

I cared for her.

I loved her.

Love her.

And then I found out I had cancer.

Yeah that's right.

Cancer.

_Cancer_.

I'd smoked before, but not that much. I'd scoffed at Joey and Ross's doom and gloom talk about 'cancer' and 'heart disease'.

Ironic really, because it wasn't lung cancer.

I don't actually know what kind of cancer it is…

They told me, but I can't lip read; I'd suddenly gone deaf...

The one thing I could hear was my head: _What will I tell Monica?_

She'll hurt.

She'll hurt so badly it'll hurt me.

One soul.

One life.

A half a life when the other has passed away and a half soul yearning for the other half, killing the life that's left.

I can't do that.

I can't do that to Monica.

So I cut off the love supply.

When she looks at me I glare back.

When she tries to talk to me I shout at her.

When she tries to hold me in the night I roll over and leave her staring at my back.

She'll leave me and I won't have to worry about hurting her when I die.

A clean break.

Simple.

Foolproof.

But it isn't.

Every time I see her broken face I hurt.

It hurts too much to hurt her.

But knowing that I'm most likely going to die will hurt her more.

Pain in my heart.

Pain in her eyes.

I can't tell her.

But I can't show how much I love her.

I don't want to hurt her.

But I don't want her to leave me.

I need her right now.

I need her.

I love her.

Love her.

Love her too much.

Way too much.

But I love her just the same.

Monica's POV

We're in Central Perk, and the tension is killing me.

I want to say something, but I don't actually know what to say. Anything sets him off nowadays.

He's just staring at the door-anywhere but at me.

Please God…

"Chandler…we need to talk…"

Chandler POV

Oh God, I really can't keep this up. Someone get me out of this mess…

Ahh here's Joey and Rachel…thank you God…

Saved by the bell…

Monica POV

"Hey guys!" Inwardly I'm disappointed. Just another 5 minutes…"What's the big emergency?"

Rachel's looking really happy about something; Joey has his arm around her waist.

Hold on…

"Rachel, I thought you were with Ross!" Chandler smirks at my surprised, slightly whiney tone. It's not the same smile, but it's the first time in ages that his face hasn't been angry or blank, robotic…

"That was the bad news…" She smiles. "We spit. Again."

Why the hell is she smiling?

"Oooookkkkk…" Oh wow, look, he's talking! Still not to me though…"And the reason you're happy about it is…?"

Joey is looking at him significantly. "You owe me a hundred big ones, to say the least…"

Chandler's face is clearing-another new emotion: shock. "Oh my God, you actually…"

"Yup." Joey's looking smug. "I proposed."

I'm still slightly confused-but not for long. "Oh my God, Rachel!"

"I know!" Rachel squeals. I run up to her and hug her tight, her excited gabbling passing right through my head.

The first hug I've had in a month.

And it's not from the man I love…

"Man, I'm really happy for you." Over Rachel's chatter I can hear Chandler say to Joey. He sounds so sincere…

"I'm just glad that I asked her!" I can see Joey's grin in the back of my mind. "Unlimited sex every night with some really hot woman, ohh yesss…I just hit the jackpot BAYBEEEEE!!!"

I'm grinning too. Sexist idiot.

"Seriously Joey…"

Oh God, what's he going to do…?

Chandler's POV

"Seriously Joey…is that all you want from Rachel?"

I give in.

I hope that Monica can hear this conversation…

"Huh? What do you mean?" Joey looks confused.

Here goes.

Deep breath…

"I mean, are you going to stick by her for the rest of your life? It's so easy to say that you love that person and will stay with them forever, but the question you want to ask yourself is will you do it? Even if the other person cheats on you, even if some disaster tries to rip you apart, even if…if the other person…is suffering from some incurable disease…like cancer…"

Monica's POV

Clinging onto Rachel, I understand everything. Oh, Chandler…

Chandler's POV

"…Will you remain with them, no matter how much pain it's causing you? Because if you love that person truly, madly, deeply, then you'll do that. Till death do you part."

There's a silence, apart from other customers.

"Jeez, man, course I'll do that!" Joey brushed it off, laughing. "When did you become so serious all of a sudden?"

I won't tell him yet.

It was hard enough doing that.

"Hey…I had to make that one when I married Monica."

Speaking of which she's just stopped hugging Rachel and they're both staring at us.

"Joey…can we talk…_NOW_…?" Rachel looks annoyed.

"Damn, she heard me." Joey smacks his head as Rachel walked out.

"Oh don't worry, I don't think Gunther heard you."

Gunther walked by. "Wahey, joey, wahey…" He walked off.

Joey stared after him. "Have I ever actually talked to that guy?"

"Nope."

"Weeiird…OK, bye!" He rushes out.

Monica's still staring at me.

Oh great.

Just great.

Well, I might as well…

Monica's POV

"Monica…I've got cancer."

"Yeah, I know."

Silence.

"Are you mad at me?"

We're back in our apartment. I can only stare into his eyes as I actually start to look at the situation.

My husband…

My Chandler…

Is probably going to die…

Can I actually keep it together?

Keep smiling even as the cancer gets the better of him?

Keep smiling even though he's dying?

Keep smiling even though he's…dead…

Yes.

I can.

For him.

For me.

For us.

I throw my arms around him and kiss him hard, trying to put everything I can't say into my lips.

He understands.

He wraps his arms around me and kisses me back even harder, and I can't breath.

Can't move.

Don't want to move.

Want to hold onto this moment.

Forever…

And though I know

That I can't hold onto him forever

That he's going to slip through my fingers like grains of sand,

I know

That I'll always love him-

Chandler's POV

I'm so stupid.

Of course she'd stay with me

She'll stick by me no matter what

Right until the end…

And I'll still love her.

Monica's POV

Yes, I'll stay by him.

I'll love him and live with him and stay with him when he dies

And wait for the day when I can join him.

But I can't leave yet…

He may go, and I may love him, but there are things down here for me to look after…

Chandler's POV

She brushes back my hair

And whispers in my ear

"Chandler…I'm pregnant…"

Monica's POV

He will go.

But a piece of him will still be here.

And I'll give my love to that

While I wait to see my Chandler's smile…

**OK, OK, yes it's another romance, but please review!**


End file.
